i stared at the empty dining table in front of me.
salt and pepper.
“clockwise, counterclockwise; salt and pepper, shake and bake.” this sounded in my ears, a stretch command from years ago when i was still in high school cross country and track.
and i will never go back in time. even if i physically go back, i won’t see the same people circling around after miles of endurance runs. everyone’s gone. and yet they rarely missed me, and my longing wouldn’t matter to anyone who were present. perhaps even now everyone graduated, they still meet each other now and then during breaks. but i will not logistically go back when they reunite.
the two conditions will never meet. and i never felt i belonged in something i have participated in for four years. there were moments. but studying, lily, or any other reason of absence that introduced inconsistency made myself there, but never really there.
so i have endured that isolation before. not just now sitting in the dining hall alone. i have done it before and im still doing it. i have access to individuals, yes. but never really a group since coming to america.
do i really need to sacrifice smth or try smth to belong? or does that urge to satiate myself detrimental for smth that will truly accept the rawest of me in the near future? thiel? sosv sf/ny? my team? or smth else entirely?