i right now have a u card that says nens and research assistant.
im about to be enlisted in their computer system; im about to be formally trained to equip a badge of permission to handle microscopic biology with my bare hands; im about to abuse this little area called amherst as complete as possible - and that it will serve no more instrumental purpose than how instrumental it is to me; and i will ride a bus back and forth, amass data as consistent as possible, while i wait patiently, learn eagerly, and suffer the passer-by with indifference - for that the only valuable unit of care from me are the people that are close to me personally, professionally, and the mission itself.
i sit in a cozy room knowing that i have to develop the sort of dicipline that will sharpen my mind and body, so that im aware at all times, so that no physical sickness can impede my progress. i will use everything to my advantage and i rejoice knowing that the state of success matters little to my approach to life in general. in defeat. in triumph. that regardless of the state i should be indulged in i do not. i process rationally. i act not so slowly yet not so rashly. that the single-mindedness drives everything forward to higher rate of acceleration. that i will not curse at the stupidity or coldness around me because they are the conditions to which i've allowed myself to be in in order to stay on my path that leads me to what i want.
3 months ago i didnt know who to work with.
6 months ago i didn't know what to work on.
9 months ago i didn't know what i didn't know.
12 months ago i was crying because the imprint of bitches was too deep in my psyche. but sooner or later, that imprint will be gone from my dream-state cognitions because why should i care about the lives of bitches?
i do not speak from arrogance. there are too many unknowns for anyone to have the privilege to be arrogant. these are simply conclusions made from my assessments of past datapoints, and my experience speaks more volumes to me than to anyone else in any position, or any other value system to me. for anything beyond common sense should be taken as a grain of salt because no one has ever tried to replicate me, because im new, and therefore why should i replicate anyone?
we are near ignition, and the engine is waiting to combust. it's all waiting to combust. and it will burn. very brightly.