Here's what happened when I stormed out of my house at around 12 am this new day of June 8th. What have I achieved? Nothing. Those fuckers at HistoSpring are not giving me a good time, not giving me a great time. Why aren't they giving me a good time, you might ask? Here's the honest answer: I don't fucking know, okay? I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, wrong with my objective, wrong with my ideologies, wrong with my philosophy, wrong with my thinking and reasoning, wrong with my comprehension skills, and just how conscious I am about my actions, my own actions, my own thinking, my own actions. How conscious am I in all of these things? I wonder. I wonder that every single day. Am I deteriorating? Is my body deteriorating? I'm sure it is. Is my mind deteriorating? I'm sure it is. Is my objective deteriorating? I'm sure it is.
I have come up with a flawless philosophy since the beginning of the school year and now almost a year has gone by with no results. I'm dealing with the bare bureaucrats in HistoSpring all the way at Amherst. What am I supposed to do? What am I ought to do? You may ask. Well I have no idea. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do here: sit through everything and let the results speak? What results are we talking about? A result that has no end in sight and I'm just supposed to wait here and see what happens? How long has it been since I paused the growth of the organoids? I can say more than two months. What have I been doing? What have I been doing? I have been waiting on experts to work on it. I've chosen this path and I'm now doubting whether I have chosen the wrong path. Why haven't I joined what MAXX is doing? Do I care too much about ownership to the extent that I'm losing the ownership of my own mind? Can I recruit like him? I'm not from Penn, I don't know what kind of connections he got. I don't know how he did it. I don't know what his PoC and LOI was. I don't know how he achieved any of that. I'm sitting in my old room, just finished playing hours of Among Us and Elden Ring. Utterly ashamed of myself, as if my dad doesn't know, tells me to exercise, stand up, do something. What else am I supposed to do? I can't even understand the audio recording and what I have talked about regarding photosynthesis two years ago. I don't understand what I'm talking about. I don't have the energy to do anything. My entire body is sluggish. What am I supposed to do here?
I ask you, what privilege that I get? Do I get to contact my relatives, my extended family? I don't think so. I don't think they gave an actual shit about me. What am I supposed to do here? Oh well I have no idea. Let's see, sit in my room after playing a video game and look at a high school smelly disgusting thing that makes me nauseous Flora becomes enlisted in Eddy's empire.
So what am I doing here? I'm being criticized by my dad about things I already know. Do I not know that I shouldn't be playing video games at around 11 pm? And I shouldn't take breaks? Of course I do. Do I want to play video games? Did I ever want to do that? Did I ever want to do any of that? Ask this question to myself. Ask this question to him and he will say no. He will say no and the reason for that would be that there are more important things to do. There are a hundred more important things for me to do and I should be doing them and I know I want to do them but I can't because I'm being stopped by a bunch of 50-year-old women in charge of my thing, unable to give me full answers and having a lack of communication skills, basic communication skills, on something I paid $2,000 on. If this is what's acceptable, please answer me. What else can drive me crazy? I have devoted every newness so that now my mind is devoid of any sense and ability to reason, to process, and to think about any piece of information other than this single thing.
And here you ask me what I'm out to do. I can't do a goddamn thing and you are here telling me that I can't play video games. Did I ever want to do that? Did I ever want to do that? Have you ever asked that question? Did I ever want to do that? Do you have any solution for my problems? No you don't and you want me to care about your problems when I can't even care about my own problems. Sure you want me to care about your stuff? You want me to care about your legal documents that are 60 pages long and you want me to read it at 12 a.m.? When you were in my situation, in the face of a lawyer, and I was mentally panicking, did you help or did you say, "You end the call"? I fucking don't wanna talk to you and shut the fuck up. You did the latter. You did exactly what I did but at a much more toxic degree, at a more toxic degree.
Today I'm here staring at LinkedIn that Lada Nuzhna is not replying to me after a full week of me sending out a message. Now I can't even think of what follow-up message I should send because I'm devoid of confidence. I'm devoid of reasoning. I'm devoid of everything except for the basic ability to walk, talk, sleep, eat, and react to things that are so mind-numbingly dumb on the Internet that I have nothing to work on. I have no one to trust! I have no one important and relevant to what I'm doing to trust! I have no investors! I have everyone who has an incentive to destroy me, to constantly try to rat out information from me! What else do I have? What else do you want to take away from me? What else do you want to take away from me?
I have nothing. To this day I have nothing. I cannot share anything I'm passionate about, even in entertainment, with anyone within my family. I am unable to do that because all you guys don't want to do anything with me. You don't find anything I'm passionate about interesting so who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do? Seriously what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do instead of playing video games myself? I'm asking this. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I really supposed to do? Here at this moment, June 8th, 2026.
Everyone has what they want. What about me? What do I have? What do I want? Can I even talk to people like Dan Lee? He works every day. I can't talk to him. There's nothing I can talk to him about either because every single time I will just be complaining, same as to William, every single time about my predicament, my current predicament, facing HistoSpring, facing the bureaucracy, facing the impending doom of psychological deterioration, that this will never get through, that I should give up, that this is all a silly little waste of time and my dedication. My grand design is all for solving nothing because no one gives a shit. Okay? No one gives a shit about what I'm doing now. No one gives a shit about what I can achieve and no one gives a shit about what I want to do ultimately and add a finality of degree.
This whole thing becomes a self-conversation, a self-conversation of delusion, that eventually I will rat out myself, that eventually I will destroy myself. That none of my competitors will ever destroy me but I destroy myself not by even giving out IP secrets, not by giving out specific contract leaks. No! I get rid of myself by simply mentally deteriorating to brain death! I will die like that! How happy would everyone be if I just have experienced all of that?
And I'm tired that I'm still in this battle. Delusional! Everyone will laugh if I share my discomfort. No one can truly offer a hand. No one can lend a hand to help me out. No one can save me! No one can save me by myself!
And now you want to add more pressure to me? Now you want me to be more and more unsatisfied with my predicaments by telling me to go to WeChat and analyze your files? Yes your legal documents, your very important legal documents that are detrimental if not analyzed by AI. In a rigged system you expect an American AI system can analyze and give you a verdict of whether you are advantageous or not? What do you want? A comfort pill from me? In an eye-opening WeChat what do I see? I see that someone is better than me already and she's a year younger, working with someone who blackmailed and wants to threaten for my death. How happy is that? How happy is that coincidence? How happy is that little incident that just popped up?
By the middle of the night I can't even spend a single minute of time today to enjoy watching something like Death Note with my mom because she's busy, okay? Maybe give me some alone time. I have already gone out and worked out. I have already done squats in front of the screen. I try to make myself active while distracting myself from the fact that I can't do a single fucking thing until Monday when I will receive another half-set of answers to my sincere and full comprehensive list of questions that I want to ask HistoSpring. I want them to answer me but they don't because it's weekends and they're in their midlife. Their midwives. They are 50-year-olds. They have children. They don't work over the weekends even though they are contractors. They're supposed to do what I tell them to do and answer the questions I want them to answer.
Now I'm stuck at my home again and again, month after month, week after week. Now every single day you complain that: - I need to put my phone in a shadow outdoors. - I need to stop calling someone. - I need to start moving. - I need to sit in the sunlight instead of in the shadow. - I need to keep moving, knowing that I can't move that well because my entire body is sluggish, telling me that I cannot play video games, telling me I can't do this, I can't watch Youtube, I can't do a single thing. Get rid of the screen. What am I supposed to do?
I have nothing to do when I'm not doing anything. Okay what do you want me to meditate? Meditate. I've tried that. It doesn't work. What do you want me to try? What do you want from me? I don't know what you want from me. I have no idea. I don't know what you want from me and I don't know what I want for myself so I'm using things to be distractions, as I've told you once and once again, and this is not the first time that I have to tell you this. This is the third time I have to tell you this that I'm in front of a monitor looking at a video or a video game because I have no other choice to numb my brain. I have no other force or energy to propel myself to do something healthier than that because there's nothing healthier to do.
I have no friends here. I have no friends here where I can meet up constantly and just talk. I have Kardik, who doesn't talk about healthy things when I'm in front of him, reminds me of past trauma, can't get over the past himself, versus another choice where he doesn't get active, like William, who will always stay indoors. I either visit him in his home, he visits me in my home, we never go outside, or we go outside but only for a meal. These are the only three choices I'm given and tell me what is the better choice: to meet them or to not meet them at all. If I have a call with either of them, I'm still alone! I have no other choice! I have no other better thing to do! I HAVE TO KEEP TELLING YOU! I HAVE NO OTHER BETTER THING TO DO! SO WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I HAVE NOTHING TO DO.
I have nothing else to do. Seriously I'm tired. I'm tired. I have to keep waiting. I have to keep waiting. I have to keep waiting until my patience, until my mind stops working.
I have nothing else to do. I really have nothing else to do. I don't know what you want from me. I have no appetite for any food. You're lucky that I'm still here hanging on because I have some games I wanna play. I don't even wanna eat food anymore. I don't even taste any food. I feel disgusted drinking lemonade that I fully enjoyed in the past. I feel disgusted eating fast food. I'm disgusted eating any cuisine! I'm sick of every type of food and you are stripping away one more thing that can provide my brain some sugar and dopamine, which is video games! You wanna take that away too?
I really have nothing else to do. You want me to meet my friends? What do I talk about with them? That I took a medical leave? You want me to talk to my friends in New York that are from Amherst, that went to Amherst, with me? Like Sam Hacker? What am I supposed to say to him? What am I supposed to say to him? What am I supposed to say to him? I have nothing to say to him except that: Sorry buddy, I left Amherst a month ago because I have to, because there's a medical reason. I have to disguise it as a medical emergency. If I don't disguise it as a medical emergency, all the schools are going to find out that this is just a family matter. No it's not a family matter, it's just a personal matter. Yes it's a personal matter. Yes I did something wrong. I definitely did something wrong. You have to tell me that, right? You have to tell me that. I certainly did something wrong. I really did something wrong, right? I did something wrong. What did I do wrong? Tell me what did I do wrong? I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what I have done. I don't know what you have done. I don't know that anyone has done anything to put me in this position, to put me in this predicament, and I have to meet him face to face in New York? To meet him face to face in New York? Do I meet Gavin? Do I meet Sean? Do I meet any of these people? Who can I meet? Who can I really meet? Let me ask you, who can I really meet? Can't even go to Hong Kong or even China because I don't have my passport yet so what can I really do? What can I actually do? What can I really do in this stupid little fucking situation, huh? What can I actually do for myself? What can I really really do? Nothing! I can't do a single fucking thing! You expect me to throw away the last thing that you can take away from me, the last thing that you can possibly take away from me.
Let me think. I know when I want to sleep. You keep telling me, you keep pressuring me, raising my stress, cortisol, and blood circulation at 1 a.m., knowing that in 15 minutes or not knowing that in 15 minutes I will be self-aware enough to control when and how I go to sleep. You don't let me have my agency. I'm 19. I'm fully aware of what I'm doing. I'm not stupid.
The fact that you keep mentioning that adds to my anxiety and stress. As a result my brain deteriorates faster and one day soon enough I will have no ability and no agency over my body and you will be the happiest person, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Now you can manage me every single day. Now you don't have to fear that I resent you because I have become a veggie to you. How happy would you be about that?