this happened a while ago: i got an f for my philosophy paper.
dan, who has taken hasan's class knows him well, and his analysis after reading my paper is the same as mine, that hasan isn't playing fair. that because we are working on different wavelengths, hasan and i will never be compatible. and it will never a happy game for me to play. if i want to be happy (not in the sense that making the professor regret over losing me. im sure im insignificnat to him, but in the sense of happiness through freedom) is to not play that game at all.
im using my one time "get out of jail card" on monday evening by emailing my dean about this. interestingly, i wasn't the person who initiated this friction. hasan emailed me saying that i have been absent for far too many times (only 2 both with reasons), my paper sucks (dan said it's not a failing paper but he wanted to fail me), and he needed to talk to me.
sure i went talking to him. i received my paper with his criticisms: none for the body paragraphs, just trashing my title, saying my class comments are not related to the reading (???), correct but "flawed" use of punctuations, and writing this at the end: "I gave it a C- out of the goodness of my heart."
about the class comments thing: i mention stoicism and you shut me up after 5 seconds. someone else the next day got inspired to talk about stoicism for over two minutes and you, among everyone else, applaud him for drawing parallels? during that meeting you don't guide me on how to write better papers, you tell me you are busy from start to end to signal the insignificance of myself and the importance of your affairs, and you ask me where im from, what grade im in as if that actually matters to the paper. your expertise is in moral and political philosophy, and the biggest irony is you don't even say "you too" when i say "have a good day" at the end of our only one-on-one conversation. what do you want from me? if i have derailed the class how come other "derailers" didn't get punished for anything? how come im moving in a different direction? just because my paper argues within the sphere of epistemology, as if you didn't just invite a professor all the way form UC Berkeley, selected out of 1800 professors to give a guest talk, having the same position about morality as mine but with much less restrained space (a book) vs. 1000 words and a few degrees more than me, where im only allowed to serve plain rice and dry white chicken to get an A? "you need to change otherwise it won't work out for you."
ah yes. something about my character, my personality is wrong. im skeptical about things. answer me how did socrates become a philosopher, how did any notable philosopher become a philosopher? why aren't you being talked about in every classroom of the West? because you merely studied and never derived something of yourself. and you don't allow your student to create their own frameworks. you don't allow them to have actual opinions. and you tell me the only good thing i said in class is "i agree in universal right to abortion."
the only thing that previously stopped me from dropping from this class is the fact that i actually liked philosophy, and that this 120 day journey has an uncertain result, uncertain enough that i chose to hold on to that one-time "get out of jail card." but at this point, and at my current pace of operations with what i primarily care about, you are making me not care anymore. and there's no way i can win this game. i either fail the class or i fail my character. i already have no time to read most of the books i was ought to read for this year because i was too busy working and also reading what you assigned.
nietzsche was right. i only have to resonate with some existing thoughts, and let my experience guide my frameworks. that friction with b taught me more about communication than any books i'm ought to read because i can come to the same conclusion. and also the fact that i don't have enough time. i understand marcus aurelius enough to put his words into practice but no longer need to read them. i understand nietzsche enough to not listen to his books all day.
god forbid i actually enjoyed learning philsophy. but i think i have assembled enough datapoints, enough opinions to formulate my own conglomeration. and that conglomeration, as a result of information gathering from history has prepared my full toolbox to move forward with what im truly ought to do. i will change the world. and you will keep trashing your colleague from five years ago who made the decision to join deepmind. and while you are teaching something you yourself betrayed on, someone else was part of an odyssey that built alphafold.