im so sick of everything right now. everything is moving so fucking slow. what even is going on with my fucking life? like, elliot either didnt see or (if he saw but not using gmail) he didn't decide to respond. sosv sf/ny doesn't respond (mohan and phil), histospring accountant ppl (rox) slow and inaccurate af, histospring operators (jen) is taking forever to calculate the fucking price and it's thursday. they still haven't answered a question i asked them on monday: when can i ship my shit? i am leaving amherst on friday. nothing is fucking working. i stayed up so late yesterday night (ig today) and slept around 4:30 AM because i feel like im trapped in a forever dungeon of absolute despair, called my dad and he only made me feel worse and i cried to sleep. i had multiple nightmares of him coming to america to get me, me not being able to play a game because somehow im back in a high school classroom, and any act of not conforming (even in a dream of mine) would result in absolute disaster. i traveled to different states in my dream (stanford, sf more broadly, japan, korea, shenzhen, uk) and couldn't find a cofounder. i checked my emails in my fucking dream. i was yelling about sosv sf/ny in my dream. i wake up and the same thing repeats in real life. i wake up crying. a few days ago i couldn't fall asleep because my heartbeat was causing the bed to squeak which kept me awake until i changed my sleeping position. im next to umass but can't do shit. i can't even get the testing block in the container because i dont fucking know when histospring is gonna respond. i am very likely going back to ny without shipping anything (for 2 weeks i did fucking nothing besides failing an sosv sf/ny call and get ghosted by everyone). and i have to come back (6 hours collective driving, hence wasting time and money for my family, especially my mom) for this fucking experiment that isn't going anywhere anytime soon because of the fucking histospring ppl can't even get the price of the block 21 trial run correctly, or the payment method correctly after 3 weeks of doing accountant calculation. the remaining 24 blocks, the viability validation from beatriz (who hates me), the staining planning with histospring is still not going anywhere. holy fucking shit. thiel rejected me. z ghosted me. i am barely surviving from $20 meals in umass and doordash orders, in this fucking isolating fucking town, dedicating every hour of my life ruminating or working to gain some response, some response from scaling opportunities that doesn't even register my existence.